From One Widow to Another

I grieve for you. I grieve with you. (You know who you are.) You have now joined the legions of hapless souls limping through life with a broken wing.

I am sorry I did not have the courage to call you. I was afraid that the sound of your tears would rip open scabs that I had nurtured in my months of anguish. I took the coward’s way out and wrote this instead. I usually express myself better on paper than in person, as you may know.

Though I stood in your shoes a few months back, I am hardly in a position to offer you advice. I may appear tough, but I am not as brave as you think. You see, instead of tackling my sorrow head on, I chose to dodge it.

When tears threatened to overwhelm me, instead of letting them flow, I fought them by occupying myself with mundane matters. Budgeting and organizing the household suddenly became top priority.

When loneliness gripped my heart, instead of giving in, I plunged myself headlong into physical activities like cooking and cleaning. I cleaned and cooked so much that my carpal tunnel syndrome came back.

Although it may seem like I dealt with my crisis well, I actually got by because I dealt with it as little as possible.

It was only when I finally allowed myself moments of weakness that I found the strength to carry on. It was only when I finally allowed myself to feel the pain that my healing started.

I am at a loss to find the words of comfort to ease your pain. I am sorry to tell you that there is no balm that will take the sadness away.

That sadness will be with you when you wake up in the morning and when you go to bed at night. It will be there even as you smile lovingly at your kids. It will be with you even at your most triumphant of times, as it will be at your darkest of moments.

Yet, it is this sadness that will make you treasure every single memory you have of him. It will help you appreciate every precious moment spent with the ones that remain behind. It will open your eyes to the kindness and generosity of people who rallied behind you in your time of need. It will also bring you to your knees as you humbly realize that life is but a gift that can be taken away, if that was His will.

In parting, let me share with you the following poem. May you find comfort in its wisdom as I did.

“He Is Gone”

“You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

“Your heart can be empty because you can’t see him,
Or you can be full of the love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live in yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

“You can remember him and only that he is gone ,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
Or you can do what he would want : smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”

My thoughts and prayers are with you always.